Trial by Error
by Lucyrne
Summary: A collection of one-shots loosely inspired by scenes from other anime, movies, etc. Latest: Maka is eight days past her due date, and there is only one way to induce pregnancy. Soul, however, has some reservations...
1. Final Deathtination

Final Deathtination.

When Soul found out that the only chop shop in Death City was named after another morbid pun, he wanted to curse at somebody. After he visited said chop shop for the first time, he wanted to sing its praises to the heavens. It had everything from junk ball bearings and tires to brand spankin' new bikes ready to tear up the pavement. If his beloved orange beauty needed a quick check up or a much-delayed upgrade, Final Deathtination wasn't the final destination. It was the _only_ destination.

What usually would be the highlight of his week was going to be a tedious and excruciating pain because this time, Maka was coming with him.

Soul wasn't normally embarrassed to be seen with Maka in public, but Final Deathtination was staffed and patronized by some of the toughest characters the Deathscythe had ever seen. She was bad ass with a scythe in her hand and a kishin in her sights, but in a bike shop surrounded by bikes and enormous, grease-stained gearheads? Maka was going to stick out, and Soul's cool-guy persona would be majorly compromised.

_The things I do for love, _he thought as he caressed the handlebars of his motorcycle. Soul saved for months to get his bike a new upgrade, something to spruce the old girl up, but then he shredded her front tire after returning from a mission. As he rolled it down the sidewalk, the bike's body jerked unsteadily. He really needed to replace that goddamn tire, but he couldn't do that AND give his baby the TLC she deserved. So he called in a favor.

Maka rode on his motorcycle almost as often as he did. She never drove it exactly, but if she wanted to ride around in it all the time, Soul reasoned, she had to contribute to its upkeep. He expected it to be a tough sell, but his meister was surprisingly cool with the idea. But on one condition: Maka was going to come with Soul and help him pick out the upgrade.

The bike shop's storefront looked like bomb exploded inside. Scorch marks crawled out of the door frame and beyond the window panes, and the iron letters spelling "Final Deathtination" were rusted red and mired with soot. The smell of diesel and gasoline-noxious to most, intoxicating to Soul-emanated from the dilapidated building's open garage.

"What a dump," Maka said. Soul sharply smacked the sleeve of his meister's leather jacket.

"Don't say that," he said in a hushed tone. "Actually, don't say anything. These guys don't really like to talk shop with people who don't know their stuff."

"I can talk shop," Maka protested. "I read everything I could about motorcycles before coming here." Resolute, she added "I'm going to talk shop."

"You've never driven a motorcycle in your life. You can't talk shop." Maka huffed and stuck her hands in her jacket pockets.

Soul ignored the store's front door and rolled his bike straight to the garage, where he would undoubtedly find the only guy he trusted to take a look at his baby.

The chief of the chop shop of Buccaneer, a demon wrench who left his weapon career behind in order to follow his passion for mechanics and motorcycles. He had the silhouette of a grizzly and an attitude to match. His hair was cut into a short mohawk, and a long braid trailed down his back like a horses tail. Since becoming a Deathtination customer, Soul learned that not only was this man was eternally grumpy, but he hated all of his customers on principle.

" 'sup Buck," Soul said. He positioned himself in front of Maka-motorcycle stuff was more his area of expertise than hers, after all.

The large man stopped shining his own bike and scowled. "Don't be familiar," he said gruffly. Buccaneer's eyes briefly darted towards Maka before landing on Soul's orange motorcycle. "Why did you bring that piece of shit in here?" Buccaneer's nostrils flared like an irritated bull.

Soul remained blank and aloof. "Front tire's out. I was hoping you could fix her up with a new one. I'm also looking into adding a new upgrade. She just needs something new."

Buccaneer's gravely voice boomed as he laughed. "What that thing needs is to go through a trash compactor. Now _this_," Buccaneer made a sweeping motion with his arm, "_This _is a real bike."

Soul didn't like having his baby insulted, but he had to admit that Buccaneer's bike was a work of art. It gleamed in the dusty garage, a like diamond nestled in a pile of rubble.

Maka poked her ahead over Soul's shoulder. "Is that the Vyrus 987? With a Ducati engine?"

A light blush pinked the mechanic's cheeks. "Uh yeah, just got it last week. It's custom."

"I can tell. No way are those factory specs," Maka said. Soul's mouth of hung open as Maka strode forward and began to actually touch Buccaneer's bike. Never in the million visits Soul made to this place had he ever been allowed to come within five feet of Buccaneer's prized bikes. Maka was kneeling now, sliding her pale hand over the bike's seat and poking at the wheels.

"Are those hubcaps...diamond tipped?" Maka asked.

Buccaneer scratched his cheek shyly and beamed. "Uh, yeah they are."

"Really?" Maka leapt up, spun around towards her partner. "Soul! Do you want me to get your bike some of these?"

Soul wrinkled his nose. "It ain't my style." Maka pouted and continued to examine the bike.

Buccaneer casually strode away from Maka. He loomed over the demon scythe. "Who's that?" Buccaneer murmured. "She's way too cute to be hanging around you."

"She's my meister," Soul answered.

Buccaneer took one long look at Soul before turning back to Maka. She laughed lightly, closing her large green eyes and slightly tilting her head as she smiled. Her pigtails brushed her shoulders as they swayed to the right.

The intimidating mechanic looked stricken, and a growl brewed in his chestt. An enraged howl burst from his throat, and Buccaneer's enormous paw-like fist transformed into the head of a wrench. He delivered a swift uppercut to Soul's jaw, knocking the weapon off his feet and propelling him against the room. Soul collided with the wall with a harsh _smack _and sunk to the ground. The mechanic changed his fist back to normal and stalked towards the door.

Reeling from Buccaneer's sucker punch, Soul couldn't help but sound a little winded and wimpy. "What the hell you do that for?"

Buccaneer didn't stop or turn around to answer. "_Because life isn't fair!"_ He pushed the door to the shop open and slammed it behind him.

Soul struggled to his feet and head his head. He was the Last Deathscythe, but man was he going to feel that punch for days. He looked sheepishly around the room, and spotted Maka mounting the Vyrus 987. Her creamy legs were stark against the bike's cool black exterior, and her ass was pert and snug on the bike's seat. She gripped the handlebars experimentally before finally noticing Soul.

"I told you I could talk shop," she said triumphantly.

A small trail of blood dribbled out of Soul's nose, so he plugged his nostrils with his hand. "No kidding."


	2. The One Where Everybody Knows

**A/N: Based on a "Friends" episode.**

Death the Kid, the most powerful being on Earth, the reigning sovereign of the supernatural, and the personification of Death itself, didn't find out two of his closest friends were dating until he actually saw them doing it with his own two eyes.

After his ascension to a full-grown shinigami and his assumption of his father's old role, Kid quickly found that the small things he took for granted as a mere student were nearly impossible to enjoy as the actual Lord Death. Privacy, for one, was no longer a guarantee. All manners of people needed to speak with Kid at all hours, and Gallows Manor was becoming less like a home and more like an extra office. In hindsight, it was no surprise that his friends Soul and Maka started seeing each other right under his nose without the shinigami taking any notice.

What was more surprising was that his weapons Liz and Patty didn't know either.

Fed up with his inability to relax at the Manor, Kid resolved to rent an apartment. A secret apartment. If Gallows Manor was to be his office-away-from-the-office, he needed to have a home-away-from-home.

The girls accompanied Kid as he began to tour apartments. It was extremely important that the layout and location appeal to Kid's aesthetic tastes, but he always appreciated their input. Kid was inspecting the bathroom when he heard Patty chirp in the living room.

"Hey you guys, we can see into Soul and Maka's apartment from here!"

"Oh yeahhh, there they are right now," he heard Liz respond. Kid was on his knees and peering underneath the sink, and he crawled out to meet his weapons in the living room. The two were looking out a large window, and Patty pointed at a smaller window at the building across. The angle was awkward because they were on a higher floor, but there was no mistaking it-that was Soul and Maka's apartment, and they could see Soul and Maka talking inside.

"Well this is fantastic," Kid noted. "It's almost like we're neighbors." This apartment was looking like a better and better fit with every minute.

"Hey! Hey you guys!" Patty said, waving her arms through the window. Soul and Maka clearly could not hear her, because instead of waving back to Patty they began to take off each other's clothing. Soul's fingers nimbly swept down Maka's shirtfront, undoing every button as they went lower and lower. Maka's small hands were grappling with his belt, and Soul's head dived towards Maka's neck.

"Oh," Patty said in confusion. Her bambi eyes widened. "Oh! OHHH! AHHHHH!"

Liz began jumping up and down and screaming, "SOUL AND MAKA! SOUL AND MAKA!"

Shinigami did not just have 20/20 vision-they viewed the world in high definition. When Soul hoisted his meister against the window and Maka wrapped her legs around his waist, Kid saw it all clear as day.

"They're doing it!" Patty screamed. "Look, they're doing it!"

"My eyes!" Kid wailed. Blown away by both this new revelation and the way they stumbled upon it, the three ran out of the apartment.

Later, Liz and Patty called an emergency meeting at Deathbucks with Black Star and Tsubaki. Kid was tied to his desk and a mountain of paperwork, but he trusted his weapons to get to the bottom of this. When the twin pistols discovered Tsubaki drinking coffee without her meister, they quickly made another shocking discovery.

Tsubaki and Black Star both already knew. They already knew.

"So you mean everytime they say they have to do a lot of laundry or going grocery shopping…" Liz trailed off as Tsubaki nodded shamefully. "Oh! And when Maka had to be on the phone with her mom for all those hours-"

Tsubaki's ponytail bobbed as she continued to vigorously nod her head. "Uh huh. Sex, sex, and phone sex." The shadow weapon didn't enjoy keeping secrets, and she appeared physically relieved to have this burden off her chest, at least to two more people.

Black Star swung open the door to Deathbucks and leaped into their booth. After settling down, his constant monologue of boasts and trash talk was interrupted by Tsubaki tugging on his shirt sleeve.

"Kid, Liz, and Patty just found out about Soul and Maka," Tsubaki said quietly.

Black Star looked shiftily between Tsubaki and the weapon sisters. "You mean about how they are best buds?"

"No, we know," Patty said. "We saw them screwing. Against the window." Black Star glanced at Tsubaki and shrugged. He wasn't denying it-there was no point. Now that the cat was out of the bag he had no problem talking about it in the bluntest terms.

"They didn't want Maka's old man finding out they were fucking," Black Star said. "So they decided to just not tell anybody. But no one can keep a secret from the great Black Star."

Black Star found out about the lovebirds after he casually climbed through their apartment window and caught them at it himself. After laughing in their faces and receiving a harsh Maka Chop from the irate scythemeister, Black Star was sworn to secrecy. Of course, it never occurred to Black Star that telling Tsubaki would count as breaching Soul and Maka's trust.

"Okay, okay," Liz said. She stared into the distance beyond Black Star's shoulder as a new idea took shape in her head. "So you're saying they only actually told you. This means they know that you know, but they don't know that any of us girls or Kid know..."

"It's doesn't matter who knows!" Tsubaki said. She ran her fingers through her ponytail. "We all know, so we should just tell them! That way all the lying and the secrets can stop."

"Or we could not tell them we know and have a little fun of our own," Patty said.

An hour later, Soul and Maka finally appeared at Deathbucks. As far as they knew, the pair was right on time. Everyone purchased another first round of coffee and greeted the secret lovers as if nothing was different. On Soul and Maka's side, everything was as casual and platonic as can be. They didn't touch each other more than necessary, Soul ragged on Maka's underdeveloped body and Maka insulted his intelligence, and they even sat at opposite ends of the booth. After Soul got his coffee, he stood up and walked to the other side of the room to add more sugar.

It was time to make their first move. Patty gave her sister a wink before getting up to go after the scythe. Once free from the booth, she grabbed her breasts and pushed them up before striding over to Soul. He was stirring imitation sugar into his coffee, and when he noticed Patty standing next to him, he grunted in acknowledgement.

Patty grabbed Soul's upper arm. "Hello Mr. Bicep," she said. Soul stiffened at her touch, but he kept his face blank. "Are you working out more?"

"I guess," Soul said. Patty started to run her hands up and down Soul's sleeve. Soul stared at her roaming hand as if it offended him. "Are you okay?"

Patty looked at the scythe longingly. "I can't tell you. Just forget it."

Soul glanced at the booth on the other side of the coffee shop. He decided to adopt a brotherly tone with Patty. "Patty, if there's something really bothering you, you can just tell me. It's fine."

"But you're the one person I can't tell this to. And the person I want to the most." Patty smiled coyly as she looked up at Soul with her enormous baby blue eyes. The scythe started to look genuinely confused. He brought his coffee to his lips before Patty continued. "It's been a while since I've been with anybody, and I think it's just that sometimes you're looking for something and you just don't even see that it's right there in front of you sipping coffee-" Soul sharply inhaled his coffee, and he spat out the scalding liquid back into his cup to stop himself from choking.

Patty's hand lingered on Soul's shoulder. "Well it's just something to think about. I know I will." Patty swaggered back to the booth, leaving a flabbergasted Soul Eater in her wake.

After the Spartoi get-together, Maka noticed that Soul had retreated inward. He was laying on the couch, eyes closed, with his bulky noise-canceling headphone covering his ears. Her weapon often became distant like this when something was on his mind, but she usually could figure out what it was. The only thing remotely new and different in Soul's life right now, as far as Maka knew, was their new relationship. Her stomach lurched-if Soul was suddenly having second thoughts about being her boyfriend, she wanted to know about them now. She spent years silently pining for Soul, and now that they regularly slept together Maka was terrified of losing the boy she spent so long waiting for.

Soul still didn't know how deep Maka's feelings for him went. Before diving into that cavernous trap of emotions, Maka needed to know for sure her feelings were requited in their entirety.

Luckily, Soul decided for himself that it was time to come clean. When Maka gathered her resolve and walked into the living room, Soul was already removing his enormous head phones.

"Something weird happened at the coffee shop today," Soul said with a frown. "I think Patty was hitting on me."

Maka exhaled in relief. "Really? Patty? You probably just misunderstood her." She plopped down on the couch cushion next to her weapon. Patty Thompson was beautiful, curvaceous, and flirtatious, but she was young, silly, and kind of weird. She didn't really register as a threat on Maka's radar.

Soul shifted towards Maka on the couch. "No, I don't think I did," he said. "She was all over me. She groped my bicep." Though the weapon clearly did not mean to get Maka thinking about his biceps, her eyes started roaming over his wiry body.

"I bet it was supposed to be a joke," Maka said finally. She reached over and started to toy with Soul's hair.

"Maybe I am overthinking this..." His fingertips trailed over her knees, causing her skin to tingle.

They quickly forgot about Patty and her strange flirtations, and instead tumbled into their bedroom for some hot and heavy meister-weapon bonding.

The next day, Soul and Maka were checking out the dispensary for new missions when they caught Liz and Patty loitering outside the Death Room. Maka went out of her way to say hello to gauge exactly how much she should be worried about Patty, if at all. Liz was genial and snarky as usual, and Patty was bubbly. No threats found here. She said her farewells and headed down the corridor.

Soul was also waving goodbye when Patty bounced in front of him. "Bye Soul!" she said cheerfully. In a quieter, more seductive voice, Patty added "I miss you already." Patty's hand struck like a cobra, and she gave Soul a firm, yet flirty pinch on the ass. A small yelp emerged from Soul's throat, and Patty skipped away to catch up to her sister.

Soul heard Maka stomping over before he saw her. Hey deep green eyes were livid-she had seen the whole thing. "Did you see that?" Maka asked.

Soul rubbed the back of his jeans. "I definitely felt it."

Maka continued to fume. "I can't believe this! Who does she think she is?"

"Uh, a single person flirting with another single person?"

"But you aren't a single person!" Maka whispered fiercely. "You are very much taken, and even though we're being discreet I'm not going to let-" Maka stopped short. A faint sound of understanding escaped her lips. "I get it," she finally said. "Patty knows. About us. And she is trying to freak us out! That's the only explanation."

Soul gave her a flirtatious grin. "Maybe my bulging biceps and pinchable ass are the explanation. They worked on you." His face soon made grueling contact with Maka's textbook.

Maka needed confirmation, so she sent Soul to question a certain ninja. The scythe quickly found Black Star yelling outside the DWMA atop a pillar. When the ninja came down to finally say hi, Soul went straight to business. "Black Star, Patty knows about me and Maka."

Black Star laughed and held up his hands in surrender. "Well I didn't tell them."

"Them?"

Maka was furious when Soul reported back to her. Not only did Black Star tell Tsubaki about their relationship, but Liz, Patty, and the current reigning Lord Death knew about it now too. How many more tongues had to wag before her father found out? Moreover, Patty's meddling was a blatant invasion of privacy. This was war. If Patty thought she could mess with them, they were going to mess with her.

Maka dialed Patty's number into Soul's phone, and stuck it in her boyfriend's ear. Soul sighed and waited as the phone continued to ring.

"Hello you," Patty said seductively into the phone.

"Hey Patty, I've been thinking about you all day," Soul said in a low voice. This felt like betrayal, even though it was his girlfriend who was pushing him to do it. "You know the thing you said yesterday? I'd be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued." Maka was resting her chin on his shoulder, listening along as Soul attempted to sound interested in a girl he sort of considered his little sister.

Patty squawked on the phone. "Eh?"

"Listen, Maka is going to out of the apartment later tonight," Soul said. His meister pressed her mouth to his shoulder to stifle her giggles "Why don't you come over and I'll, uh, let you feel up my bicep. And maybe more."

They waited with anticipation for Patty to break character, but they clearly underestimated the younger girl's resolve. "I'd love to come over. I'll be there at seven-" Soul and Maka heard a yelp in the background. "-uh eight, I'll be there at eight."

"Sounds good," Soul said.

"Good. I look forward to banging you through the floor." Patty hung up before Soul could choke out a response. He dropped the phone on the coffee table and stared at it. What exactly did he just agree to?

Back at Gallows Manor, Liz and Kid were floored when Patty received Soul's phone call. Soul Eater Evans, the boy who had literally jumped in the line of fire multiple times to protect Maka, was going to cheat on his meister, with Patty of all people. It was so extremely out of character, there was only one explanation for it.

"They know," Kid realized. "They know we know about them, and they want to mess with us. Those fools think they can get away with messing with us!"

"But they don't know we know they know we know," Liz said. She flashed a conspiratorial smile at her sister. "Looks like Patty is going on a date tonight." She took Patty's hand, and the the three of them set out to get Patty ready for the night ahead.

Kid already purchased the apartment with the large window, and it was there that Kid and Liz waited. He needed a distraction from work, and this prank on Soul and Maka was a happy distraction indeed. He might officially be Lord Death, but at his core the young shinigami was still a kid. The minute hand inched towards the number eight as Patty crossed the street and made her way to Soul's apartment building. Through his soul perception, Kid knew that Maka was still in the apartment. She definitely knew this was happening, and she was laying in wait to see what would happen between the two weapons just like they were.

Across the street, Maka was hiding in the bathroom and prepping Soul for his date.

"How far exactly do I have to go here?" Soul asked. In his lame attempt to prepare for this date, he decided to wear a button-down and a loose tie. This all seemed like a funny idea a couple hours ago, but the scythe began to feel like he couldn't commit to this charade.

"Just convince her that you want have sex with her," Maka said as if she were reading a grocery list. "Don't worry, she'll give in way before you do."

"How do you know?"

"Because we're a team, and we always win."

"Right."

Maka grabbed Soul's tie and reeled him so she could peck him on the lips. Once their mouths met, Soul leaned into the kiss and moaned. His meister shoved him away. "None of that right now," she said. "Go out there and get some!"

Patty showed up at their door wearing a little black number and clutching a wine bottle by the neck. This struck Soul as strange because despite everyone in Spartoi being legal adults at this point, neither Soul nor Patty were old enough to buy alcohol yet. After exchanging hellos and making small talk by the window, Patty produced a corkscrew from between her breasts. She made a big show of twisting the screw into the cork, leveraging the bottle between her thighs, and popping the cork out with a cute little grunt. Soul numbly retrieved some cups-he didn't own any wine glasses-and watched Patty pour some red wine for them both.

Patty raised her glass high. "So. Here we are! Nervous?"

"Me? Nope," Soul said. The corners of his mouth twitched. "You?"

"Not me! I want this to happen."

"Me too." They clinked glasses and took a sip of wine. Their sips become gulps, followed by another gulp, and then another. The drinking progressed until each weapon drained their entire cup at once. The liquid was bitter and dry, but Soul really needed the liquid courage.

When he ran out of wine to drink, Soul searched for something, anything to say. "Uh, you look nice."

"When you say things like that, it makes me want to rip your clothes off," Patty said sweetly. Soul's face remained stoic, but his mind was reeling. Patty was coming on way too strong. Maka could flirt with him without saying anything. Hell, she didn't even have to look at Soul to flirt with him. But Patty, she had her enormous eyes trained on him like he was dinner. How much longer could Soul keep this up? Before he panicked, Soul made his move.

"Why don't we move things to the bedroom?" Soul suggested.

Patty's blonde eyebrows shot up to the ceiling. "Really?"

"Do you not want to?" Soul asked with a tinge of hope.

"Of course I want to!" Patty said. "I just-I just want to take my clothes off first."

Soul pressed his lips together and nodded. "Sounds great. I gotta piss." He made a beeline for the bathroom and shut himself inside. Maka was sitting on the toilet.

"Listen, this is getting out of hand," he whispered. "She isn't backing down. What happens if she actually-"

"Calm down, she's bluffing," Maka said.

Meanwhile in the living room, Patty looked out the window and spotted Kid's apartment across the street. She whipped out her cellphone and hit her speed dial. Liz answered on the first ring.

"He's not backing down," Patty said. "He wants me to take off my clothes!"

She heard Kid's muffled voice on the other line. "Hold the line! We must break him, Patty, we must!" Patty rolled her eyes. Kid was more invested in the outcome of this debacle than she was, and this was all originally Patty's idea.

"Keep the action by the window," Liz said. "Don't worry sis, you got this. Give him a sneak peek of the girls, know what I mean?"

Patty nodded and hung up the phone. Inspired, she shimmied down the straps of her dress so her breasts could spill over the neckline. She turned towards the window, and she saw Liz give her a thumbs up.

Soul finally returned from the bathroom with a fake smile plastered to his face. His jaw dropped slightly when he finally saw Patty and her extreme cleavage, and his eyes darted to the floor. They were definitely much larger than the ones he was used to, and they strained against the fabric of Patty's dress.

"So these are my breasts, Soul," Patty said.

"It's very nice to meet them," Soul said with averted eyes. He swallowed hard. "I'm excited to have sex with you," he said in a monotone. Taking advantage of his discomfort, Patty grabbed his hand and pulled him towards the window.

At the window, she hesitantly placed her hands on Soul's broad shoulders. Taking her cue, Soul put one hand on her waist. His other hand reached towards her breast, but at the last minute it stopped and swooped up to her shoulder.

"We should kiss now," Patty said.

"That's what I usually do," Soul replied.

Their faces inched towards each other slowly and hesitantly, and Patty suddenly leapt forward to catch Soul's reluctant lips. They maintained contact for a moment, Patty's blue eyes squinted closed and Soul's red ones wide open, before Soul shoved Patty off of him and jumped backwards.

"Okay, okay! You win!" Soul said. "I can't do this!"

Patty pointed at him triumphantly. "Ha! And why not?!"

The words were out of his mouth before Soul could even think of them. "Because I'm in love with Maka!"

"You're what?!"

"Love her," Soul repeated. "That's right, I-LOVE-HER! Maka Albarn!" At the mention of her name, Maka shot out of the bathroom like a bullet. She stopped short of leaping straight into Soul's arms so her deep green eyes could search his face.

"Do you really mean that?" Maka said. "You've never said-"

"I was working up to it," Soul said. Maka grabbed his face and pulled it towards hers. Soul smiled against Maka's lips, and on the other side of the room Patty started to clap her hands with glee.

The demon pistol's phone rang, and she answered. "What's going on?" Liz asked on the phone.

"They aren't just banging," Patty said happily. "They're in loooooove!"

Before Patty left, Soul shook her hand. She was quite the competitor, and deserved some official props. Once he and Maka were alone, they decided that tomorrow they would call her father and tell him. It was time to stop hiding their relationship in the shadows. If old man Albarn couldn't handle it, tough.

Until then though, the lovers decided that they could have at least one more secret tryst before going public.

Across the street, Spirit Albarn entered Kid's new apartment. It was slick of the grim reaper to buy a secret second home, but as an official Deathscythe with nothing to do, it was his duty to check the apartment out for security reasons. Truth be told, Kid has some good taste. The apartment was incredibly spacious, and the windows were colossal. He was admiring the skyline when he spotted a familiar set of pigtails in a window below.

It was his Maka! There she was, by her apartment window! Spirit pressed his face to the glass. He could see his darling baby whenever he wanted to up here, and she could never get angry with him because she'd never know he was there! He cooed over his daughter a moment longer before that hooligan weapon of hers entered the frame.

He saw Soul come up behind Maka and wrap his arms around her. The white-haired punk started nipping at Spirit's little girl's neck, and his hands began to run up her thigh-

"What are you doing?" Spirit said aloud. Soul's hand was up Maka's skirt now. Black blades sprouted from all over Spirit's body. "NO. NOOOOOO. GET OFF MY DAUGHTER!"


	3. Her Best Friend's Bottom

**(Inspired by a scene from "Coupling.")**

Soul was going home after a long day of Deathscythe meetings and training when he noticed his bike parked on the curb. It had been a while since he took the old girl out. He ran his hand over the leather seat of his bike. Well, the scythe decided, Maka wasn't going to be home for hours. If his girlfriend was going to be gone all night, Soul might as well spend some quality time with his bright orange beauty.

He didn't have his motorcycle keys on him, so Soul hurriedly climbed the stairs to his third floor apartment. In his excitement, Soul didn't really notice that the door was already unlocked. After a quick investigation of the usual places he kept keys (the kitchen table, the coffee table, the coat rack, the junk drawer, etc) to no avail, Soul whipped out his cell phone. Maybe Maka knew where he put them?

The scythe realized this plan wouldn't work when he heard Maka's ringtone in the room. She left her phone on the bookcase, forgetful woman. He was about to hang up when someone opened the bathroom door and strode into the room.

It was Tsubaki. No, it was Tsubaki _in a towel _. Soul's brain short-circuited as Tsubaki walked over to Maka's ringing cellphone. Her long hair was piled on her head, and she had Maka's cream-colored towel wrapped around her torso. Most amazingly, the shadow weapon did not notice Soul was in the room. She was frowning, trapped somewhere in her own world.

Tsubaki picked up Maka's cell and put it to her ear. "Hello…. Hello. Who is this?" Soul remained frozen in fear directly behind Tsubaki. She put her free hand on her hip. "Is this some kind of pervert?"

Soul found his voice. "It's Soul."

Tsubaki brightened. "Soul, hi! It's Tsubaki!"

"Yes," Soul said. He couldn't get himself to move, or even speak in anything more than a few syllables at a time.

"Looking for Maka? She's not here."

"No."

"The pipes in my apartment are getting fixed, so Maka said I could come over and shower." She unceremoniously dropped her towel, revealing her entire backside to the scythe. "That way I wouldn't have to go all the way to Shibusen."

In a word, Soul was shocked. He had seen plenty of nudity when Blair still lived with him and Maka, but it didn't carry the same gravity as seeing Tsubaki, his friend and comrade on the battlefield. He didn't even freak out this much when he used to catch brief glimpses of Maka, before they began dating, because she was his roommate and on some level it was always okay for them to catch each other nude every blue moon. It never occurred to Soul that he would confront Tsubaki this way, and he was woefully unprepared. His head was screaming for him to get out of there immediately, to escape the sight of his girlfriend's best friend's naked body, but then she would know he was there and that he saw. He decided to risk standing still.

"Right, cause at Shibusen Black Star would just spy on you," Soul said wryly.

Soul didn't know what he did, but Tsubaki's ears turned red and she suddenly dropped the phone. And then, she did the unthinkable.

Tsubaki bent over at the hips to pick the phone up, giving Soul a completely unobstructed view of a territory he was never supposed to see. It was both exactly like and the complete opposite of looking at a car accident. It was wrong and sickening, yet he couldn't tear his eyes away. In his indecision, Soul accidentally crossed a line he didn't even know he was close to.

She popped back up. "Oh no!"

"What's wrong?" Soul said, pressing his phone into the side of his face.

"I hung up on you," Tsubaki replied. Her entire body stiffened as she stared at the phone in horror. "You're standing behind me, aren't you?"

It was too late to escape now. "I'm more than usually certain of that."

"I'm going to pick up this towel," Tsubaki said in a low voice. "You're going to look the other way."

Soul immediately obeyed, and turned to face the wall. "I'm really sorry about this," he said. "I was just looking for my keys, to my bike. But I couldn't find them so I called Maka but...oh god, I'm just so sorry about this whole nudity situation."

"Did you look everywhere?" he heard Tsubaki ask.

Soul hit his forehead against the wall and cursed. There really was no lying at this point. "OK, yeah, I looked. I'm a dude, I'm disgusting, you bent over, I looked. Sue me."

He could hear Tsubaki fuming behind him. "Did you look everywhere FOR YOUR KEYS?" Soul banged his forehead in the wall a few more times. His cool guy composure was completely unsalvageable at this point. Hell, what was Maka going to think when she heard about this disaster?

"I'm covered now," Tsubaki said. Soul turned around uncertainly, and was relieved to see she was indeed toweled again. She stared at him for a moment before blushing deeply. "Could you stop thinking about my, _my bottom _please?"

Soul's jaw fell slack. "I'm not thinking about it!"

"Yes you are!" Tsubaki said through her teeth. "It's still in there! Get rid of it!"

Tsubaki's pleas accomplished the exact opposite of what she intended. Now Soul could think of nothing but Tsubaki's curvy, damp backside. He didn't want this, but his mind wouldn't cooperate.

"Dammit Tsubak, you keep bringing it up," Soul said. "I can't get it out of my head, it's expanding."

Her arms flew up to her chest in horror. "Expanding? It-It isn't expanding. I'm just big-boned!"

Soul pinched the bridge of his nose. He needed to find his bike keys and get the hell out of here before things got even more awkward than they already were. Then, he would buy Maka chocolate or something and confess. Sweet, compromising Tsubaki was already accusing him of harboring secret thoughts about her naked ass, and he could only imagine what his hot-tempered meister would do if she thought the same thing. This was a horrible, unlucky misunderstanding that had to be diffused as quickly as possible.

"Soul," Tsubaki finally said. "I am your girlfriend's best friend. As far as you are concerned, I don't exist from the neck down."

Soul nodded vigorously. "Exactly, I agree. I should probably just go." Tsubaki gave him a solemn smile. Forgetting about his bike, Soul started to walk towards his front door, only to stop suddenly.

"Hey Tsubaki?" Soul asked. "Just so you know, you're not big-boned. You look great, like, all the time." He stuck his hands in his pockets and continued to walk towards the door.

Tsubaki stared at him with her bright, indigo eyes. "Thank you...Do you really mean that?"

Soul was halfway to the door, halfway to freedom, but the insecurity in Tsubaki's voice made him stop and turn back around. "Uh, sorry?"

Tsubaki's hands reached for the tucked in corner of her towel. "This is probably a bad idea," she said. Before Soul had a chance to ask what exactly was a bad idea, Tsubaki slid her towel off her body and threw it to him. The scythe caught it, but after catching the towel in his hands, the rest of his limbs lost the ability to move. The immobilizing shock and awe, it was happening again. There was nothing left for him to imagine, no questions left to ask. She was there, completely bared to him, for no reason he could think of. He could never look Tsubaki, or Maka, in the eyes ever again.

"Well?" Tsubaki asked expectantly. "Am I attractive?"

This was a trap if Soul ever saw one. How was he supposed to respond to that? Tell Tsubaki she wasn't attractive and hurt her feelings, or tell her she was attractive and risk Maka's wrath?

Since Tsubaki was the more immediate threat, Soul decided to avert his eyes and go with the truth and answer in the affirmative. "Uh, yeah," Soul said, staring at the floor. "You're really beautiful Tsubaki. Everyone thinks so."

She advanced upon him with small, uncertain steps. "There's nothing here that a man would find… repulsive?"

Soul stopped being aghast so he could look at the other weapon incredulously. "What the hell gave you that idea? There is nothing repulsive about you."

"Then why are you looking so frightened?"

Soul remembered who he was talking to, and his eyes jumped back to the floor. "_Because you're Tsubaki! _The next time I see you, I'll be thinking of you naked. It'll be like meeting, I don't know, Kim Kardashian."

The shadow weapon looked thoughtful before giving Soul a bright smile. "Kim Kardashian will do just fine! Thank you!" She strode up to Soul and took the towel out of his hands.

"Bye now."

"Um," Soul said. "What?"

"Would you mind?" She spoke as if she were talking to a child. "I've got no clothes on."

Soul turned on his heel and sped out the door. Inside the apartment, Tsubaki carefully wrapped the towel back around her curvy figure, and tucked a corner into her cleavage. Smiling to herself, she strode confidently into Soul's room.

"Well, pretty sure I'm still attractive," she said. "So I don't think it's _my fault. _" Black Star was sitting in Soul's bed, naked, with the sheets bunched up around his hips. He was staring ahead listlessly, miserable and flaccid. The pipes in their apartment weren't the only ones that were on the fritz.

"This has never happened to me before," Black Star said.

"Maybe we shouldn't have been here for the first time."

"Never ever," Black Star whimpered in agony.

"You were nervous. This is something you've wanted for a while right?"

"Never…"

Tsubaki sighed and collected her clothes from the floor. She had to get Black Star out before Soul or Maka came back and discovered them, what they attempted to do. Not that the pair actually accomplished doing anything-she had the ninja's faulty equipment to thank for that. Well, Tsubaki had been working around her meister's personality quirks for a long time now. Sexual stage fright was just another hurdle for the two to overcome, together.

Knowing Black Star, he wasn't going to fail twice.


	4. The Contest

**A/N: Based upon a Seinfeld episode.**

"Maka and I caught Spirit," Soul said.

"Caught Spirit doing what?" Black Star asked.

"You know." The scythe let that statement hang in the air like a humid fog. Kid got it first, wrinkling his nose in horror and retching. Kilik was next, removing his glasses and softly whispering "Duuuuuude." Black Star took a bite of his burger, and chewed it slowly as he mulled over what Soul said.

It finally clicked. The ninja coughed half-eaten burger bits back onto his plate. "You mean…" Black Star shook his fist, as if he were rolling dice. The message was clear-Maka walked in on her father when he was jacking off to an issue of Glamour.

"There's a reason I don't usually come to these man-bonding burger things," Kid said. "The conversations you have are so juvenile."

"You caught him?" Kilik asked. "Where?"

"Maka keeps half of her stuff at her parents' house. We stop by there all the time..." Soul explained. He rubbed his forehead, mussing the fringe of his snow white hair. "God, she first starts screaming 'Papa, what are you doing?' It looked like she was gonna faint, and she started clutching the wall, trying to hold on to it. I caught her, Spirit zipped up, and we bounced the fuck out."

A beat of silence fell between the four boys before Black Star, Kilik, and even Kid started laughing hysterically. Soul stared blankly at his half-eaten cheeseburger, still haunted by the image of Maka's father masturbating. "I'm never doing it again," he said in monotone. "I can't, not after that."

That shut up the other three boys immediately. "No way!"

"Tch, please."

"Ha, like you're gonna stop!"

"You don't think I can?" Soul asked, offended. His friends shook their heads in unison. "What, do you think you could?"

Black Star slapped both hands on the table, shaking their dishes and spilling his own drink. "Is that a challenge? Are you challenging the great Black Star? Put some money where your mouth is, plebe."

The scarring image of Spirit the scythe had burned onto the interior of his eyelids evaporated at the mention of money. To Soul, this seemed like a bet his ninja friend would lose in less than 24 hours. He gave Black Star a large, toothy grin. "You're on! One hundred bucks." The two friends slapped their hands together and shook on it.

"I want in," Kilik said. He fist-bumped Black Star and Soul to seal the deal. "I don't live with any hot girls like you guys. This is the easiest money I'll make in my life."

"I'll throw in as well."

Soul, Black Star, and Kilik gaped at the grim reaper, who had been sitting quietly at the end of the booth. "That's not fair," Black Star said. "You're nonsexual. We might already be dead before you jack it again."

"Asexual," Kid corrected. He narrowed his gold eyes. "I'll bet one hundred and fifty. Is that fair?" The grim reaper held out both of his little fingers, and the other boys took turns clasping pinkies with him. They agreed to operate on an honor's system, because there was no dishonor in the realms of gambling and masturbation. As the boys went their separate ways, each already felt like their wallets were a few hundred dollars heavier.

Let the sexual frustration begin.

Two days later, the scythe was digging through his hamper in the living room. Soul put off doing his laundry (again), so he was searching for his musty smelling basketball shorts from last week. He was supposed to play some b-ball with the guys, but he couldn't play in jeans.

That, at least, was what Soul was telling himself. What really made him put his face in his own sweat-stained clothes was the sight of his meister's taut nipples through the fabric of her thin tank top. The AC was blasting, and Maka never really felt the need to wear a bra these days, so who really could blame him? Now Maka was reading in her room, the shower was roaring in the background, and Soul set to work killing his own erection. No way was he going to be the first one out, not when he was versing the perverted Black Star in a game of sexual endurance.

When Kilik showed up at the apartment with a basketball in hand, Soul was back in control and ready to go. In the brief moment that Kilik was actually inside the apartment, the shower stopped and Blair stepped out of the bathroom. Soul did not react to the damp, naked kitty as she sauntered passed the boys without a towel. At this point, he was thoroughly desensitized to Blair's slamming body and coy innuendo.

The same could not be said for Kilik. After excusing himself to use the bathroom, the meister slapped five twenties on Soul's coffee table.

"Are you serious?" Soul asked. "That fast?"

"Worth it."

And then there were three.

In the days that followed, Black Star made it his mission to check up on his competitors almost every hour. Soul was watching Stein dissect another animal when the ninja scooted next to him and whispered.

"Are you still master of your domain?" the ninja said cryptically. Soul glanced at his meister, who was sitting next to him on the other side. She was absorbed in her note-taking, but he couldn't be too careful.

"I'm king of the castle," Soul answered.

Black Star casually put his hands behind his head and leaned his chair backwards. He looked up at Kid, who was sitting a row above them.

The grim reaper leaned forward before Black Star even had a chance to catch his attention. "Lord of the manor," he whispered. "You?"

"A god among mortals."

By the end of the day, a flustered Death the Kid handed Soul and Black Star his portion of the pot, head hung in shame. The two guys stared at Kid in shock. They never expected Kid to ever give in to the sins of the flesh, not this quickly.

"The lord is dead!" Black Star exclaimed. "Why did you do it? It must have been hot, to get you going."

Tears budded from the corner of Kid's eyes. "I-I do it every eight days." He gripped his forehead with a clammy hand. "If I didn't do it today on schedule, I would be no better than an animal. Don't you understand? An abomination!"

And then there were two.

After the ninth day, Soul began to have trouble sleeping. A single thought of his meister's name, and Soul's mind would descend into a downward spiral of pornographic fantasies starring the girl sleeping in the other room. That she was only one paper-thin wall away was maddening. He couldn't sit still, he wanted to claw at the walls of his bedroom like a tomcat, and his nose started squirting blood all over his pillowcase.

The daylight hours were equally unbearable. Soul started snapping at his friends, yelling at strangers in the street. He got a severe nosebleed after watching Maka eat a popsicle, and could do nothing but sputter excuses while Kilik and Kid laughed knowingly.

On the twelfth day, Soul experienced the most painful case of morning wood in his life. It throbbed in his boxers, sending sharp, excruciating pangs of desire up his torso. He desperately wanted to give in, to shut himself in the bathroom and achieve sweet relief, but Soul couldn't lose, not to Black Star.

He was master of his domain. Hell, Soul had been repressing his sexual feelings for his meister for ages. There was no one more in control of their domain than he.

There was a soft knocking on his bedroom door. "Hey Soul?" he heard Maka ask. "Do you have a clean towel in there? Can I borrow it?"

"Uh sure," he said, opening the door. Maka was wearing a tank top and running shorts, drenched in sweat. Her bangs were plastered to her forehead, and loose strands in her pigtails curled in little wisps. Maka must have gone running again. He numbly retrieved his extra towel and handed it to his meister, who lightly touched his arm as she thanked him.

He lazily swung the door closed and waited for the sound of the shower. When it roared to life, Soul reached for his lotion without hesitation. Seeing Maka slightly undone, regardless of whether she was sweaty, covered in blood spatter, or her shirt was askew, was always his undoing. One day, it was his firmest hope that he would be the one to ruffle her clothing and dishevel her hair. Now that he had some fresh fantasy fuel, the scythe could not help himself.

And then there was one.

The triumph of winning the bet almost outweighed the suffering of the last 12 days. Almost. After Black Star collected his earnings in the hallways of Shibusen, his strength officially ran out.

And then there were none.


	5. The One With All The Poker

"Why don't you play poker with any of your girl friends?" Maka asked, ignoring the awkward placement of 'girl' and 'friend' in the same sentence. "What, is poker some sexist guy-only thing? Like, it's called poker so only guys can play?"

Recently, the scythe meister had been in a funny mood. First, it was the cleaning. The blonde had scrubbed every inch of the apartment, ironed all of her clothes, ironed all of Soul's clothes, and attacked Blair with a lint roller. Then, the baking. A freshly-baked sheet cake, upon which Maka scrawled "WELCOME HOME MAMA" in blue frosting, was sitting patiently in their fridge.

Lastly, Maka's old 'men are vile creatures who are not to be trusted' mentality came back with vengence. All of this caused by the visit of one Kami Albarn, absent mother extraordinaire.

And the woman wasn't even coming until tomorrow.

"Nah," Soul said with a shrug. He had never really thought about why his poker night was populated only by only guys. "We just don't know any girls who know how to play poker."

Before Soul could even blink, Maka was upon him. "That is a stupid excuse!" Maka said, jabbing her weapons' arms. "That is such a typical guy response!"

Soul swatted away Maka's probing fingers and rubbed his arm. "Do you even know how to play?"

"No. But you could teach me."

"No!"

An hour later, the pair was sitting, squished, at a round table alongside Black Star, Tsubaki, Death the Kid, and the Thompson sisters. They all sat cross-legged on the floor of Black Star's apartment, and playing cards lay scattered across the table. Maka stared at her cards with determination while Soul held the deck and attempted to explain the rules.

"So now you draw cards…" Soul said.

"But I don't need any, because I have a straight!" Tsubaki announced, waving her poker hand in the air. The girls congratulated their friend while Soul put his face in his hands.

"I just need two," Liz said. "Um, the ten of spades and the six of clubs."

"Hey!" Black Star said. "You can't, you can't do that-"

"Here!" Maka said, reaching across the table to hand Liz one of her cards. "I don't need it because I'm going for fours." Liz accepted the card gratefully and added it to her hand.

Soul strummed the poker deck with his fingers before pressing on. "Ok, so at this point the dealer-"

"We got it, we got it," Maka snapped. She plucked everyone's practice cards from their hands and shoved them towards her partner. "Let's play for real now. High stakes. Big bucks."

"Are you sure?" Kid asked dryly. He held up a couple discarded playing cards between two fingers. "Patty just gave up two jacks because they looked unhappy."

"I'm ready!" Patty chirped.

With a sigh, Soul shuffled the deck and began to deal the first hand.

Maka never realized exactly how good her weapon was at poker. The perpetual poker face she thought she knew so well was replaced by an impenetrable stone wall, one that she couldn't interpret no matter how hard she tried. The actual gameplay of poker was also more confusing and frustrating than she initially realized. Her guy friends were lying to her right and left-lying straight to her face!-and her heart sank as she lost more and more chips.

The worst, most humiliating part was that the player collecting all of her money was Soul, her supposed partner in crime. The scythe smiled like a knife as he counted out his chips.

"Looks like you owe me fifteen big ones, Albarn," he said. Soul wasn't even hiding his smugness. "If you're going to play poker with me, don't expect me to be nice. This is payback for all the chops."

"So typical," Maka muttered as she counted out the money. "Ooooh, I'm a man. Ooooh, I have to win money in order to exert power over women." She grudgingly handed her money to Soul across the poker table. Their hands touched for a brief moment, and Soul gave her a cocky wink before snatching away his winnings. On her side of the table, Maka fumed.

When Black Star reached to collect the deck, Patty grabbed him by the wrist.

"This is not over!" Patty said with a feral look in her blue eyes. She kept a tight grip on the ninja's wrist. "We will play you again, and we will win, and you will lose, and you will beg, and we will laugh, and we will take everything you own until there is nothing left. Deal another hand!"

The endless rounds of poker continued into the evening, and the girls steadily learned to keep up. Not every round ended in humiliation and loss. During one hand, Black Star attempted to play a straight after confusing a three for an eight, resulting in the most hilarious loss in poker history. In another, Tsubaki succeeded in taking the pot with only a two-pair. Eventually, the one person who kept consistently losing was Maka.

After the other five folded, Soul placed his poker cards on the table and crossed his arms-royal flush. For the first time since they started playing, Maka's green eyes widened in excitement. She laid out her own cards-four sixes. That wiped the grin right off her weapon's face.

"I won! I actually won!" Maka exclaimed. Her lanky arms scrambled to gather her winnings on the table, making a special effort to keep the chips she won from her weapon separate. She wanted the whole group to see how many chips she had taken from him, even if her winnings were meager at best.

Now that she had tasted victory, Maka became ruthless. In the next hand, she continued to raise the bet in 50 cent increments, bluffing through her ass that she had a hand no one could beat. After only two raises, everyone else declared they were out. The last one standing was Soul, who reluctantly folded. Maka greedily gathered more chips, adding even more to her 'Soul pile.'

Soul's poke face was starting to slip, revealing his aggravation. "You really can't stand to lose can you?" Maka said to her weapon. Now that her confidence was back, trash-talking came more naturally to her. "Your whole face is getting red."

The scythe stared at her, grim-faced. "I'm not losing," Soul said with gritted teeth. "Let's not talk about losing. Just deal the next hand."

It was finally Maka's turn to assume the coveted role of dealer, and she eagerly started handing out the cards. They were just about to get started when her cell phone buzzed in her pocket. She saw the caller ID and leapt to her feet.

"Mama! How are you? I wasn't expecting to hear from you until-" Maka's chipper voice trailed off as she listened on the phone, and walked a few feet away from the table. The others chatted amongst themselves as they organized their poker hands and chips. "Uh huh." Soul looked up at his cards, alarmed by the quietness of his meister's voice. "No, no I understand. Don't be silly, I'm fine-" The others caught on, and the room became silent. The girls started to cast worried glances to each other, mouthing questions like "Is she ok?" to each other.

"No I'm not upset, what you do is very important," Maka said with a wavering voice. Her face was a map of devastation, and Soul dropped his own poker face to knit his eyebrows together. Everyone knew how much this upcoming visit from her mom meant to her, but none witnessed her excitement first hand like Soul did.

"But-but you know, if you schedule opens up soon, we can still…" The hopefulness in Maka's voice plummeted. "Okay. I'll tell Papa, he'll understand. We can talk again soon, right?"

Maka quietly said her good byes and I love yous to her mother before finally hanging up. She slowly walked back to the table and say back down. Her friends did not know what to say.

"Sorry Maka," Black Star blurted. He reached out to give her a friendly punch on the arm, but Tsubaki caught his fist and shook her head.

Careful to appear nonchalant, Soul broke the rules of poker by reaching his soul out to her. When playing poker amongst weapons and meisters, resonance was considered a form of cheating. This once, he could bend the rules. The scythe could feel waves of her disappointment and turmoil emanating from her bereaved soul, but she rejected his presence before he could initiate resonance. Soul never took anything that happened during poker personally, but finding that Maka did not want his comfort or the touch of his soul hurt.

"Um, where were we?" Maka asked with a thick voice. "Oh, five card draw, uh, jacks or better. Nothing wild, everybody ante."

"Maka," Kid said softly. "We don't have to play anymore if you don't-"

"Yes we do," she responded curtly. Liz and Patty folded, Black Star and Tsubaki checked, and Soul and Kid threw in fifty cents. Without glancing at her cards, Maka reached into her wallet.

"I see you fifty cents and I raise you…" Maka withdrew a bill from her wallet and tossed it into the middle. "Five bucks."

"I thought the limit was fifty cents!" Tsubaki said.

"Well I'd like to bet five bucks," Maka said. She looked defiantly at her friends. "Does anyone have a problem with that?"

Everyone muttered no and immediately folded. Soul stared at his meister across the table for a moment before laying his cards down. "I fold."

Maka was suddenly livid. "What do you mean you fold? What ever happened to not being nice? To paying me back for the maka chops? I mean, where you just full of it or something?"

The others scooted away from the table, leaving only Soul and Maka sitting, staring at each other from across the table of discarded playing cards and scattered poker chips. Frowning, the scythe picked his hand back up, retrieved two bucks from his pocket, and threw them into the fray. Soul was back in.

Maka dealt another card to Soul, and she took two. He bet ten dollars, she raised it threw in twenty-five, and Maka's face blanched when she looked in her wallet.

"Tsubaki, hand me your purse." The shadow weapon tossed her purse to Maka without hesitation, and the meister added twelve more dollars to the pot. Liz scooted over the her meister and thrust her hand into his jacket pocket. Kid yelped as Liz withdrew his wallet and handed Maka ten more dollars for the pot.

Soul pressed his lips together as he stared into his own empty wallet. "Black Star, I'm a little shy."

"Dude, it's fine," Black Star said. "You can ask me. What?" Soul stared, dumbfounded by the depths of the ninja's stupidity. Kid audibly sighed before motioning for Liz to give him back his wallet. The grim reaper handed Soul a crisp twenty.

The seven friends stared at the enormous pot that lay unclaimed on the table. The girls vs. guys poker face off was about to come to a dramatic close, but no one was willing to initiate it.

"I call your twenty two dollars," Soul finally said. "What do you got?"

Green eyes stared into red, and Maka broke into a huge grin. She laid out her cards in one fluid movement. "Full house."

Soul chewed his bottom lip as he stared at his cards. The others were holding their breath, waiting for the scythe to make a move.

He finally flashed Maka a crooked smile. "You got me," he said, placing his cards face down.

Liz and Patty jumped up and screamed in delight. They hoisted a dumbfounded Maka off the floor, and they began to sing at the top of their lungs. Tsubaki hopped to her feet to join them, and the girls formed a messy conga line. The four sang and danced into the kitchen, leaving the three boys staring at the pile of money they just lost.

"This sucks," Black Star said. "I thought you had them."

"Sometimes you don't have the cards," Soul said.

Black Star tried to peek at Soul's folded hand, and the scythe shoved him away. Though he had been thoroughly beaten by a girl who only just learned how to play poker that day, Soul did not feel any disappointment or loser's regret. All he could feel was the surge of elation and happiness bursting out of Maka's soul.


	6. The One Where Maka is Pregnant

The day before her due date, Maka gathered all of her friends in her apartment. She thanked them for getting her through her pregnancy, and though she was beyond excited for the next part, the meister admitted that she was really going to miss being pregnant.

Eight days after her due date passed and no baby, she was groaning in the doctor's office. Despite blasting the AC at home and wearing next to nothing, Maka could not escape the sweltering heat boiling beneath her skin. Worse yet, she was gassy. Really gassy.

"Soouul" she groaned. The meister was exhausted from waddling to the doctor's office in 100 degree weather. Death City's temperature and endless hills were not kind to pregnant people. "I have never felt so awful in my entire liiiiife."

Soul, the father of the baby that refused to exit Maka's uterus, was also feeling uncomfortable. "You know, we should ask the doctor if she even knows how to deliver a baby that's half human, half pure evil."

"Don't joke like that," Maka said. She fiddled with the loose shirt covering her rotund belly. "It's only half evil until it's out."

Maka's phone lit up. Tsubaki was texting her for another update. For some reason, Tsubaki and Patty started to touch base with Maka everyday to check on her pregnancy. While Maka found their distinct interest in her pregnancy a little strange, she was glad to have someone to talk to who understood the struggle of woman.

The doctor finally arrived. Maka was glad that she had an honest and caring soul because it meant the doctor would probably prescribe her some new drugs, if wheedled enough. As the doctor asked Maka some preliminary questions, Soul squeezed her hand.

Pregnant Maka, at first, was really fun. When she uncertainly broke the news that she was pregnant, she glowed like the angel Soul always said she was. Her breasts soon grew twice their original size, and during her fourth month Maka's libido went into overdrive. But around the seventh month mark, Soul started getting impatient. He wasn't going to be ready for fatherhood until the baby was in his arms. Why draw out the anxiety and fear for so long? Moreover, Maka's short fuse had only frayed since entering her last trimester. If she didn't give birth soon, Soul feared he might be too concussed from the endless makachops to even hold his kid.

Eight days overdue, the love of his life had become a hormonal monster and the baby he was so excited for was stubbornly staying put. This madness had to come to an end.

"So, eight days passed your due date," the doctor said. "I'm guessing you're feeling a little uncomfortable."

"Just a tad" Maka said with a twitching eyebrow.

"You are about 80% effaced, so you're on your way. If you are getting anxious, there are some ways to speed things along."

"We will try anything," Soul blurted.

The doctor chuckled. "There are a lot of home remedies that are actually very effective. There's an herbal tea you could drink, eating spicy good helps, sometimes just taking a long walk…"

"Done and done."

"And there's the most effective method," the doctor said. She frankly looked at Maka. "Sex."

Maka smiled and looked expectantly at Soul. The weapon's jaw hung open, and color drained from his face until it was as stark white as his hair.

Later that night, Soul and Maka were invited to Tsu and Black Star's. It was just as well, since the couple wasn't speaking and they desperately needed a buffer in order to eat dinner in peace. When they entered their friends' home, the air itself became icy and stagnant. Whatever the soon-to-be parents were fighting about, there was no makeup in sight.

After helping Maka sit down at the kitchen table and handing her an iced tea, Tsubaki was visibly disappointed when Maka reported that the baby might not be born for several more days.

"Still?" Tsubaki squeaked. Black Star stirred pasta in the kitchen and Soul stood apart, leaning against the counter on the other side of the room. "Is there nothing you can do to induce labor?"

In the other room, Soul responded with a growl. "We already tried all the usual remedies."

Maka let out a loud, dry laugh. "Yeah, we've tried everything. Except the tried and true method." Black Star paused his stirring to glance at Maka. "Sex," she finally said. "If we had sex, this baby would be born today." Maka spoke now through gritted teeth, her volume steadily increased as her anger bubbled forth. "But SOMEONE doesn't want to do that because he says it will OPEN a CAN of WOOOORRRMMMMS!"

Soul groaned. "God you're blowing this out of proportion..."

Maka ignored him. "My boyfriend has no problem _knocking me up_, but I'm never going to have the damn thing because he's too squeamish to _finish the job_!"

Black Star retched and looked at Soul with disgust. "I think I lost some respect for you," the ninja said to his friend. "Put her out of her misery already."

Tsubaki gently took Maka's hand and spoke with a calm, soothing voice. "Maka, if this will really help you give birth, today, you can borrow Black Star. Black Star is good!"

Maka looked at her friend balefully. She was surprised when Black Star, still stirring the pasta, responded in the affirmative. "Yo, I'm down." he said. Soul's expression shifted from shock to affronted anger, prompting Black Star to just shrug. "Someone's gotta do it. Think of it as a divine blessing for your new family."

"I don't-I don't think I want to do that," Maka stammered, exchanging an alarmed glance with Soul.

"You sure?" Tsubaki pressed. "That baby's head isn't getting any smaller, Maka."

"What is the matter with you?" Maka asked. "Why do you care so much about when I have this baby? Why today?"

Tsubaki opened and closed her mouth several times before bursting forward with the truth. "Patty and I keep betting on when you will have the baby. And I keep losing!"

Maka and Soul's collective reaction of anger and disgust was enough to bridge their differences, at least for a few hours. When they returned to their own apartment, the couple sat down with a another bag of jalapenos. Soul hoped that if Maka just kept eating spicy food, labor had to start eventually.

Maka's mouth was full of peppers, but there still no signs of labor. "We tried all of this Soul," Maka said despondently. "It's not working."

Soul's eyes watered as he swallowed another pepper. "How the hell can you eat this hot stuff and not feel like you're dying?"

"I am feeling nothing." Maka watched Soul gulp down a glass of ice water with keen interest. "Speaking of hot, it turns me on when you do that."

Her boyfriend slammed the glass back on the table. "This is insane. I'm not going to have sex with you just so you'll go into labor."

"Just think of me as-as a ketchup bottle," Maka continued. "Sometimes, you just have to bang on the end so something can come out."

"I love it when you talk dirty to me," Soul said in monotone.

With no small amount of struggle, Maka stood up from her chair and dropped a pepper on the ground. "Whoops," she said with faux innocence. "Let me bend over and pick that up for you." She braced herself against the table and slowly began her descent, bending her knees and reaching towards the ground. The distance between her hand and the pepper on the ground seemed to double, and her forehead began to perspire. The dome protruding from her torso weighed her whole body down like an anvil, and she gripped the table to keep balance as she bent over lower.

She suddenly released a pained gasp and Soul was at her side. "Okay, you win." he said. Soul helped Maka get back to her feet and kissed her, hard. "I'm getting that baby out of you!"

They kissed once more, and when they broke apart Maka looked at him with satisfaction. "So I think my water just broke," she informed him. "Do you know what to do?"

Soul nodded absently, too stunned to move or let go of his girlfriend. "We're having a baby." The words were a revelation.

Maka grinned as warmth and love flooded her abdomen, and for a brief moment, the thousands of aches, pains, and stresses that plagued her these past few days were lifted from her shoulders. "Yeah, we really are."


	7. I Love You, Maka Albarn

They all planned on simply drinking sparkling cider and reminiscing about the past, but air itself changed when Kid cleared his throat and captured the room's attention. It was a private party hosted by the young Lord Death in celebration of the graduation and disbandment of Spartoi, in the very same ballroom Medusa used to trap Shibusen students all those years ago, so a speech was inevitable. Instead of proceeding with his usual pedantics, Kid surprised everyone by hamstringing their hearts.

With a wavering voice, Kid told the room that he had come to terms with the fact that all of his friends would die one day. The fleeting nature of humanity, the impermanence of friendship, these were things he had to accept as Lord Death. It was their destiny to die, and his destiny to guide their souls to the next life. But even so, the grim reaper said with a smile, their faces would guide him for a millenia. The things they accomplished together as Spartoi taught Kid everything he knew about compassion, love, and how to feel human. Knowing that, Kid could not feel any sadness. Only joy and eternal thanks that he got to know them at all.

There was definitely no alcohol in the cider, but one by one the members of Spartoi began offering up their own heartfelt speeches. What spurred them forward was the realization that everything was going to be different after tonight. A whole slew of them-Ox, Havar, Kim, Jackie-were taking a break from Shibusen to go to college. Liz was sticking around in Death City to be with Kid, and Patty was going to take her SATs. Black Star and Tsubaki were going back to Japan to start their own dojo, Kilik and the twins were going to be stationed on the other side of the country. The whole team was going their separate ways, and this could be their last chance to say what they needed to say.

It was during Ox's lengthy speech that Maka attempted to gather her thoughts. She should tell him. The time to say things that have always been left unsaid was now, and goddamit Maka Albarn was going to tell her weapon that she was in love with him. The thought of even saying those words caused a fire to bloom in Maka's chest and her hands to ache for his touch..

The scythe had been strangely distant lately, but as she glanced at her weapon's passive face, Maka had a sinking feeling that she knew why. A couple days before, Maka casually snooped around in Soul's room and found a letter from some place called Julliard. It said that he was accepted into their music program-congratulations! Maka's heart plummeted to the floor. He was going to leave her. Soul never said he was applying to anything, but now that he was accepted there wasn't much Maka could say about it. He helped her achieve her dream to create a Deathscythe more powerful than her father and to become a more skilled meister than her mother. Who was she to stand in the way of his dreams?

She couldn't wait any longer. When Ox finally stopped talking, Maka pushed her way to the front. This was going to be like ripping off a bandaid-lightning quick, sharply painful, but immensely gratifying. Tell him the truth, gage his reaction, escape. Admitting that she was in love with Soul was more likely to chase the weapon away than to convince him to stay, but she had to do it. Maka couldn't let these feelings simmer in her soul forever, and she certainly couldn't watch him leave and spend the rest of her life obsessed with what ifs.

She started off by thanking her friends and describing her favorite memories, but her mind was on one person. Soul was standing in the middle of their friends, not in the front but not in the back, slouched, watching her closely. She met his languid red eyes and he smiled at her with encouragement.

"And Soul…"

The sight of his smile caused her to freeze. The bandaid approach wasn't going to work. She couldn't say it in front of all these people. It would embarrass him to be put in the spotlight so suddenly, and it would humiliate her when he delivered that inevitable rejection in front of their best friends. A different tactic was in order.

"I value your friendship more than anything," Maka said quickly. She looked to the ground, nerves getting the best of her even now. "I don't think I would have achieved anything without you by my side. We're a weird pair, but I can't even imagine being without my partner. I-I know we're celebrating new beginnings and the end of an era and all, but our story isn't over yet, right?"

She looked up, hoping to find his smiling face in the crowd. But he wasn't anywhere. That familiar white mop of hair had completely vanished.

"Oh my god," Maka said out loud. Her cheeks flushed with anger. "_Where the hell did that idiot go?" _

She found him on the balcony, swirling his cider in his glass as he stared over the railing. Soul saw her stomping towards him, and he quickly wiped a downcast look from his face. Maka did not even try to hide her fury.

"_Soul_," Maka said, pounding her little fists into Soul's arm. "You left! You left in the middle of my speech! I was talking about you, you jerk!"

Soul winced and clutched his upper arm. "Geez woman, I got the gist."

This made Maka want to wail on him even more. "_The gist?_ How did you know I wasn't going to make some big announcement huh? What would you have done if I said I was getting married and moving to Hawaii, and you weren't there to hear it?" Soul raised one eyebrow at her and smirked. "Lucky for you I didn't say that…". She crossed her arms. "But still, it kind of hurts to be abandoned like that, in front of everybody we know."

Soul's infuriating smirk slipped a little. "I didn't think you would notice me gone." Mussing the hair on the back of his head, Soul added, "I just wanted to get some air."

"Well you better take a deep breath Soul Eater, because we are going back inside, and you are going to give the most tear-jerking speech ever."

Maka turned on her heel to leave, but stopped short when she didn't hear her weapon following. He remained rooted on the balcony, shaking his head.

The agonized look in Soul's eyes made the meister grow suspicious. "You-you weren't planning on hiding out here and not giving a speech at all were you?"

"I was actually kind of hoping…" Maka made a move to chop him over the head, and Soul frantically blocked her. "Whoah, stop! You know I don't do public speaking if I can avoid it."

"But, don't you have anything to say to all of our friends? Something to get off your-"

"No."

That single word hung in the air, and Maka felt the wind carry her pigtails off her shoulders. In saying nothing, Soul had said everything. He didn't tell her about this Julliard thing, and he certainly wasn't going to tell her any of the things she desperately hoped he would. Maka swallowed the lump that materialized at the back of her throat, and she mumbled something about going back to join the others so Soul could get that air he wanted.

Her eyes were trained on the ground as she walked away, but she was stopped by the lightest touch on her wrist. "Stay," Soul said. He took her head and lead her back to the balcony. They both looked out at the Death City skyline and the black moon glowered above them. It was beautiful in a haunting way, as if it were just a mirage that would fade if she looked away for too long.

Out of the corner of her eye, Maka noticed Soul down his entire glass of cider in one gulp and shove it to the side. "Look, I don't have anything to say to everybody, to say to them, but I did want to talk to you about something," Soul said.

"Well what is it?" Maka asked, but she already knew. He was going to tell her about Julliard, about the new life plans he cooked up for himself while she was too self-absorbed to notice. The end of their story, it was here.

Soul grimaced. "This is a bad idea," he said quietly to himself. To Maka, he said "This sentimental stuff is harder than it looks, and it's not going to sound great, so just promise to listen and not chop me for ten minutes." Without a word, Maka nodded.

Realizing that Maka wasn't going to say anything or chop him, Soul rubbed his hands on his pant legs. He gripped the balcony railing as if he were overcome by a case of mild vertigo. After opening and closing his mouth twice, he finally began.

"Everyone inside keeps talking about how much they love each other, but I don't really get how everyone can just throw that around so easily," Soul said. He thought hard for a moment before continuing. "Love isn't an emotion. It's a choice you make everyday, in almost everything you do. I know you believe all that destiny crap, but I prefer free will because it's more real. Just saying."

This actually earned him a chuckle from Maka. She was leaning on the rail now, craning to watch the scythe's face as he spoke. Meanwhile, Soul started to actively avoid her gaze, staring directly at the black moon overhead.

"I don't know when I decided to love you, Maka" he said. "Maybe it was in Baba Yaga castle. Or even earlier than that, in Italy. Or maybe it was some day in class when I was bored and I noticed how-how pretty you looked when you were getting into the lesson. I guess it doesn't matter, because it's a decision I've never stopped making. Even if I wanted to stop loving you, I don't think I could. It's a part of me now, and I'd never give it up. So now I'm saying it. I love you, Maka Albarn."

Maka tried to interject, to release the fireworks that had begun exploding in her belly, but Soul charged forward. "Just, let me finish. This is all really inconvenient, since you never asked for this and I can't take it back. But it's cool, because I'm giving you an out. I got into this school back east, and I figured I'll spend a semester there, or even a year, while you figured out what you wanted. Friendship is a choice too, and though I'm the coin that always comes up heads, you still get to decide whether you even want my hopeless ass hanging around. It sucks, pining for someone who will never want me I mean, but it would hurt way worse if I was making you uncomfortable."

Soul finally dragged his eyes away from the moon and to his meister's face. "You don't even have to decide now," he pleaded. His declaration of love had transformed into a negotiation. "We can figure out some code of conduct or something for the summer, before I leave, then you can have all the time you want. I don't want to ruin what we've got, and I think if we just figured out a system-why are you staring at me like that?"

She felt like she had just spotted a double rainbow, and Maka was sure she looked like it too. Not only had Soul just performed a fullblown monologue, but he said all of the things Maka had planned on saying to him fifteen minutes ago. The absurdity of it all and the unadulterated happiness it sparked made Maka delirious. She clutched her sides as giggles erupted from her throat, leaving her unable to speak or even breathe.

Her laughter sent Soul staggering backwards, wounded. Afraid that he might leap off the balcony or bolt inside, Maka rushed forward and threw her arms around her weapon. She laughed into his chest until tears budded at the corners of her eyes, all while a bewildered Soul held her shaking shoulders.

Maka gasped for breath between giggles. "Sorry Soul, this is just so-I can't even believe it. I thought I was the one who has been pining _for you _all this time." She rested her chin on his chest and tightened her arms around him. Everything she could see, feel, and smell was Soul Eater, and there was no force on Earth that could pry her off of him.

Now it was Soul who looked like he was staring at a double rainbow. The partners were both very winded, him from speaking and her from laughing, so it was without any communication that Soul leaned forward and Maka rose to meet him on her tiptoes. Their lips did not immediately fit together like pieces of puzzle, nor did they suddenly know how exactly to position their noses, but as far as first kisses went, it was pretty fantastic. It represented the end of an era and a new beginning, one where the partners could finally stop holding back and set their souls free.

When they broke apart, Maka whispered "I choose that you don't leave. Don't go to Julliard."

The dopey grin on Soul's face was replaced with suspicion. "Julliard? How did-you read my mail!"

"Yep. What are you going to do about it?"

"I have a few ideas-"

"WHOOOO YEAHHHHH KISS HER AGAIN."

Soul and Maka jumped at the sound of Black Star's booming voice. They spun around, and were shocked to see all of their friends standing there. Horror flashed across Soul's face, and Maka realized that their friends were probably watching all along. For all of his efforts to avoid it, this lazy weapon of hers made a grandiose speech in public after all.

There is no greater regret than to leave loose ends, to move on without speaking truth of your soul.


End file.
